When I was pregnant with my first son I was in my first semester of my third year of nursing school. At this stage all I had learned about obstetrics was in theory.
In school we are taught to look at each patient as a whole, not just at the situation or the condition, but also from a psychological, emotional and sociological point of view. In other words, in a holistic manner.
I hadn’t yet been confronted with the reality, this was my first baby, but I thought I knew what I needed to know, ditched my labor prep classes, because lets face it, working full time and studying full time and being on my second year of marriage and pregnant was about all I could juggle in 24 hours of a day.
Therefore I wasn’t prepared. I trusted I was going to be well taken care of and also since childbirth is something so natural my body would know exactly what to do when the time came.
Today I see things differently. I believe if you want to be heard you need to be informed. It doesn’t matter what you do for a living, who you are, where you come from, your background, be prepared. Read as much as you can about giving birth, be informed in what your options are. Know what you can refuse and what you can’t. Ask what the institution’s protocol is where you are giving birth. Most of all have a voice, you have rights.
My son was born in December, 3 days past his due date. I woke up to contractions and was filled with excitement. I remember feeling super calm and collected. I ate breakfast, showered at home, got dressed and even put some make up on and off we went to the hospital.
We arrived, got admitted, monitored and honestly no one believed I was in labor till they saw my strip from the monitor. I was only dilated 1cm and so couldn’t be admitted, but because contractions were every 5 min I was told I could walk around the hospital to try and speed things up.
I didn’t have a birth plan, I completely trusted everyone around me and was just happy I’d see the little munchkin’s face in no time. We had our music ready, our bags packed, it was go time.
I went to my room, got dressed (better word would be undressed, because those hospital gowns hold no dignity for the wearer) and waited for the nurse to call my husband.
Instead the nurse comes back in with an IV to connect to my catheter, when I asked what that was for I was only told it served to speed things up as I wasn’t dilating. I didn’t know I could refuse it, no one gave me an option or explained anything to me. I had signed my consent for pain management, but this not so much. I was a little lost and alone so I went with it.
I know now I was given pitocin, and pitocin my friends is a mean lady. The nurse left and I was alone for over two hours in the most miserable pain I have been my whole life without my husband. I kept waiting as I really just didn’t want to bother the nurses, I wanted to be tough. Contractions on pitocin are no joke and I didn’t know what else could I do to feel better and my tough was wearing out.
Finally my husband was brought in, I think he got scared when he saw me, by now I was crying silent tears, holding on to my bed telling him I was pretty sure I couldn’t do the whole giving birth gig and just wanted to go home. My husband thankfully knows me and knows that if I was crying it had to be bad so he called the nurse and was really firm about getting me some pain relief.
Amen to the epidural! I just couldn’t handle that pain anymore and that epidural for me at that moment was the sweet relief I needed and it also helped speed things up. The moment my body relaxed I dilated pretty quickly ( This though might not be the case for everyone and every option in childbirth should be discussed beforehand).
At this point the intern who had admitted me comes back in, checks me and proceeds to tell me it’s time to push, I was told to push every time I felt the need and again was left alone.
My husband and I kept talking and telling jokes and laughing at the videos my sisters were sending us in between each push. I keep these moments as a sweet memory because it all went south right after.
Intern comes back in and from the door makes a weird face and tells me my baby needs to be born NOW. I start freaking out a bit, from this point on I don’t remember anything, it’s all a blur and pieces of information my husband later told me. The intern then proceeds to yell at me telling me I have to push, so I push and he tells me ” NO,no,no, you’re doing it wrong, don’t you want your baby to be born, c’mon push properly!”
All I remember is trying really hard as tears streamed down my face ( I don’t do well with yelling) the nurse who was by my side kept also giving me instructions in a stern, bossy matter and I could see they were getting frustrated. My husband kept holding my hand and looking like he was about to pass out, he was actually scared he later told me. Intern yells again, I’m crying, and all I see is this giant lady nurse, the stern bossy one, telling me to push now and putting all her weight over my pregnant belly, I remember the intern giving me an episiotomy (cutting me) and almost passing out.
I hear the other nurse yelling the time my baby was born. I kept waiting for them to bring the baby to me but I didn’t hear him cry and automatically realized something was wrong. I am crying still. I finally hear the baby cry. I ask what’s going on? No one answers me, I am shaking uncontrollably. The intern orders me to stop shaking because he can’t suture me if I keep shaking like that, he finally leaves. Our baby is brought for us to see and he is in an incubator. He had swallowed meconium ( baby’s first poop) still in the womb, we are told. I look at him and am filled with relief he is ok.
At this point I feel exposed, vulnerable, dirty. So many emotions ran through me those first moments, but the biggest was anger.
I was angry because I felt robbed from my birth experience. The moment I brought my son into this world should have been special, memorable and all I had was yelling and frustration , fear and stress.
Why am I sharing such an experience you might ask? I am sharing because today I am informed and after going through a second birth which was the complete opposite of my first one ( I will share in another post), I know I suffered from obstetric violence.
Obstetric violence is defined according to The International Journal On Sexual And Reproductive Health And Rights as “bullying and coercion of pregnant women during birth by health care personnel.”
I chose to have my baby in a public hospital in Portugal, where public healthcare is considered decent. I was familiarized with the hospital and had heard great things about the maternity ward. I felt safe.
The reality though was completely different. The team assigned to me that day was not kind. The nurse and intern who were there through my birth were terrible professionals, and I did not know my rights.
I lost my voice that day and for a long, long time after I told myself it was my fault. I hadn’t gone to the classes, he was right I probably was not doing things right, thats why he had to give me an episiotomy, thats why she had to put all her weight on my belly, after all my baby HAD to be born these things HAD to be done. Almost like I had deserved the birth experience I had got.
Those are lies we tell ourselves to cope with the situation, but the truth is this is not an ok behavior, as women we deserve better. We deserve respect. We deserve to no live in fear for the next time.
Childbirth is the most beautiful moment for a woman, but also a moment of great vulnerability, intimacy with our husband/partner, a memory we want to cherish.
Of course it is also unpredictable, scary things can happen and sometimes will but exactly because of that unpredictability, kindness from healthcare professionals is pivotal.
We teach our nurse students they must look at everyone as a whole, but somewhere along the way we become cold hearted towards those we swore we would take care of.
I share, one of the not so happy stories, so other women don’t lose their voices like I did and if they do I hope their husbands/partners, moms, friends, whoever is there will be their advocate to voice their wants and needs.
My advice:
Discuss childbirth, research, have a birth plan. Be informed, be sure, be confident.
And if you feel like you are not being respected or heard ask for another doctor, another nurse, it’s your body and your baby.
But also be open to honest advice, work together with your childbirth team, not all doctors and nurses are unprofessional or have some sort of hidden agenda for your birth. Sometimes things have to go a little different than planned and thats ok too. I am sure you will be able to tell the difference.
Don’t be afraid to complain about unprofessional people, there are thousands of jobs out there and taking care of people is not for everyone.
Don’t silence your experience because you want to forget and just move on, if your story is told things can change, we might be able to stop these situations from happening to other women.
Let’s reclaim childbirth to what it should be, a beautiful, raw, empowering experience, stripped from fear and humiliation, but filled with love and kindness.
Fellow nurses don’t allow kindness to die.
Fellow mommas lift your voices and be heard, fight for your rights.
You deserve it.
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