Surrender

It has been some time, to be honest I haven’t felt like writing at all lately. I have been consumed with many thoughts, many feelings but very little commons sense.

We were hit by a bound of sickness in our family and we have taken time to recuperate.

My husband was admitted to the hospital and was there for 8 days, next baby was admitted to the hospital and we were there for three days. That was the most terrifying, frustrating experience I have had as a mother.

Finally, after taking care of everyone else I was hit with the flu, which left me in bed for over 5 days with a fever that was killing me and then suddenly it was gone.

Now, the world unfortunately does not stop just because you’re sick so you have to keep going. Which I have and that has left me depleted. I also have had a lot of time to think things through.

I think my word for these last weeks of December is Surrender. BLHEC!!!!!

The word in itself makes me cringe, but it has been funny how many times it has been thrown at me either in songs, sermons, teachings, devotionals, casual conversations, other people’s social media.

Man! There has not been a break from this word.

Through sickness you realize how vulnerable you are, how you need help and people around you. It’s quite a humbling experience. I am definitely not used to that, I apologized so many times these past weeks for feeling like I was being an inconvenience.

It’s easy to say you surrender all to Jesus, when everything in life is going well. You have no fear, no doubts, things go as planned. Now when things go south, that’s the hard part.

I think the word Surrender has been on my mind since the beginning of this year. I just have made a big effort to ignore it.

Surrender your fear of losing another baby;

Surrender your fear of a traumatic childbirth experience;

Surrender your frustration about being a stay at home mom;

Surrender you negativity;

Surrender your stubbornness;

Surrender your feelings of inadequacy as a mother, a wife, a friend, a sister.

I am definitely not good at surrendering anything, I am taken back to past feelings, past situations, past fears and experiences.

I have a hard time believing that “perfect love dispels fear”, because that has not been my truth at times in my life.

More often than not the situations that “force teach” me something specific are these very dramatic situations, where I have absolutely no other choice but to be confronted with the harsh reality that I am a tiny human with limited power, but my God is all powerful in my weaknesses.

I have a little over three weeks to interiorize the concept of surrendering who I am, what I do and everything in me to a perfect God. I am going to make time for that, because ignoring it clearly has not been my best idea.

These were some scary weeks, I cried a lot and honestly thought I couldn’t do it, and the truth is I could not.

The moment I admitted to my weakness and that I let go of holding on to my own power things started happening in a whole different way.

This year has been big for me, hopefully 2019 will bring easier teachings…or at least a more teachable heart in me.